Diary of a person trying to buy something other than food or coffee

DAY ONE: SELFRIDGES CARPHONE WAREHOUSE

An in-car phone charger (£15)

Found it myself, checked the compatibility myself, went to the till myself.

Staff talking to each other about a terrible customer, their manager, and texting their wives and girlfriends.  Stood there for FIVE MINUTES.  Finally gained attention by screaming, stomping my feet, and waving my penis at them.  Or alternatively because the tall one stopped texting his mate and decided to open a till.  The wrong till.  The wrong till that didn’t take cards.  Then asked when the Galaxy Tab 10.1 would be out.  Shrug.  Conversation commences between people texting other people.  Shrug.  Am I to leave?  Do I leave?  No upsell?  No “You can order it here”?  Nope.  Apparently I’m just left looking like a twat.  I am a twat.  Why am I in the wankphone shithouse?  Spending £15?  I just paid these idiots wages.  Why didn’t I buy that on Play.com?

DAY TWO: DESIGUAL

A hoodie: £65

Oooh look a lovely hoody.  It’s in the sale.  Can I try it on?  Apparently yes, I can because there’s no sales assistants up here on this bloody busy lunch time, so it doesn’t matter.  Actually, why don’t I just stuff this up my anus.  *squeeze*  Ah actually no that’s quite uncomfortable.  *pop* OK it fits.  No salespeople at the till.  Hmph.  Downstairs.  To till.  Ahh, three girls behind the till.  Great.  No wait, expectations too high.  Two girls are moving one box from one side of the till to the other side.  Holy crap that must be complicated.  Girl three is angry.  VERY angry.  So am I.  FIVE MINUTES later no movement.  And no queueing system: where are we, France?  Tap tap tap.  *fart*  Ah no fuck you.  Drop on floor, leave.  Goodbye.  Why the hell did I just put myself through that?  Online me thinks.

DAY THREE: YOYOTECH

Asus 3D Monitor: £450

Oh hello, You’ve got a 3D Asus VG236H online but only one left.

Yes.

Is that on display?

Yes.

Oh right.  What do you do in those circumstances?

Well, we put one on display.

Yes, so the last one is on display.  You don’t knock some cash off?

No, customer comes in and the one on display we sell at the normal price.

Oh right.  And you’re sure it’s not boxed?

No.  The ones on display aren’t in a box because they’re on display.

Oh ok.  Right.  [I am now being treated like a pillock.]  I’ll just order it from someone else then!

Ok.

DAY FOUR: JOHN LEWIS ELECTRICAL DEPARTMENT

Top-of-the-trumps Samsung 55″ 3D Television with two 3D Glasses, a 3D Blu-ray Player, new speakers, and a rack of lamb with some lovely posh poo on the top: £4,750

Walk in.  Lovely boxes of stuff on the corridor on entry at 12:30pm.  Never mind.  I can just trip over that and sue the bastards later; get my telly for free.  Oops, nearly got run over by a salesperson there.  I say “sales” person: I meant to say Box Openning and Moving and Putting On A Till and Putting In A Bag After Pressing Keys On A Computer Technician.  OMG I wish I had been one of those instead of a middle-class git with some money to spend on a lovely nice thin Telly.  Mmmmmm YUMMY.  Here’s a guy in a suit.  Ah he’s just lookin at the telly.  *tap tap tap*   Hmm… is this really what I want?  Hello?  ECHO-eCHo-echo-_ch_-oooo.  Nope, no-one there.  Maybe I should check it’ll work with my computer.  Looking at Google.  Oooh.  Google Shopper?  Nah I’ll wait and be nice.  I like John Lewis.  It oozes with overpaid Box Technicians.  5 MINUTES.  Yep.  It works with my PC. Ah but it’s cheaper from Mr Arse and Class online shop where they ship it over from Beruit on the back of a dwarf, and you STILL get it with the same guarantee and they even throw in a free towel.  *tum-de-tum*  Nope. WAIT!  THat bastard in the suit was a BOX TECHNICIAN!  I’ll go stand next to him.

Moved.

Nope, no looking.

I’m wearing a suit for God’s sake.  I have a wallet bulging in my pocket.  I WANT THIS TV!  I ❤ this TV.  It will be mine.  Mmmmm thin.  *Checks round the back*

Nope.

HELLO!!

Nope.

Nothing.

Oh well, John Lewis.  Long may you pay Box Technicians.  Long may your directors and managers continue to buy up those nice local people in all those tiny little electrical shops and replace them all with Box Technicians.  And long may they be replaced by a computer screen that can up-sell, engage, and attract.

What a bunch of knobs.

I’m not even going to buy a SHIRT in John Lewis again.

What a WASTE OF MY TIME.